There are days when I am completely blown over by how hard motherhood is. Days when I use nap/rest time to just cry at how overwhelmed I feel. In the midst of those days (today being one) I am still my children's biggest fan--but so at a loss as to how to hang on. I love my kids to the moon, so I can't stand it when I can't give them what they need. For Isaac--some peace and comfort. For Jonah--more quality Mama time that isn't interrupted by a screaming Isaac.
This hasn't been an angry day/week (but you can bet your buns I have had those), but instead a sad one. Isaac is really struggling right now, and as a result we are all struggling. Forget Mama, in our house the saying goes, "If Isaac ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
It's just been never ending the last few weeks. His reflux is totally out of control. He refuses to eat and hasn't gained a stitch in a month. He just grumps and screams all day because he is miserable. I seem to be the only one who can get him to eat anything, and lately that is not much--even with all my cajoling tricks.
I'll spare you all the horrid details--it's not pretty. At first I was able to maintain my sense of humor. What's a little puke after all? The puke doesn't really bother me, and he actually doesn't do that often anymore. It's the screaming all day and refusing to eat that has brought me to my knees.
Many have offered to take Isaac for a while and I really want to accept that offer. But, I know that it wouldn't be at all relaxing for me. I would be distracted by wondering how much he was screaming and as a result how many ounces he lost and how long it would take to gain it back. He's eating every 1-2 hours right now, and the schedule he was on is now shot to hell. I wouldn't even know what to tell anyone who tried to watch him--"Um, well he WILL scream. Aannnddd...it could be for any reason at all--good luck figuring it out! And, he may puke on you." I don't think so.
Poor sweet boy. Poor sweet both my boys. Jonah has been such an angel through this, but he still needs his Mama. He's been very patient and I am heartbroken that after all of this--after the NICU, Isaac's early no sleeping months, moving--that Jonah STILL has to wait way to much and way too long for time with his Mom.
I know this will pass. I've been on the phone today seeing if we can get some things switched around to make Isaac more comfortable. Every day isn't so overwhelming, but I am reaching the end of my ability to cope.
(Sigh) I know that this is what it means to be a parent. It is these types of experiences that weld us so tightly to our children. These types of experiences, that when we look back we can say, "Yes, I have been through fire and hell for you. But I would do it again. And again. And again. Because you are just too darned cute and wonderful I can't seem to help myself. But boy watch out, because there's some serious payback coming your way when you get some muscles and I need some yard work done."
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2 comments:
I never even saw this when I posted on your GWP post. Though Andrew was born at 38 weeks, my boss was pregnant at the same time and her son was born at 24 weeks and I watched her go through it-all day in NICU while worrying about her then 5 year old daughter. I turned to her when Andrew had his incident, and it meant all the difference.
Andrew had very severe reflux the first few months we were home, I don't know how bad Isaac's is but I gave Andrew 1/4 tsp (total throughout the day) of powdered acidophilous with his milk and that helped his little gut get back in order. All of the drugs and medicines really can wreak havoc on their systems. It might be worth trying for a bit (that is if he doesn't have a lactose issue).
Definitely take people on their offers of caring for Isaac when you can-even if for an hour to give your other son some moments or to just take time to go outside and breathe. I had no family nearby, no friends to rely on until we had out of town guests-and those were the moments I stole for sanity.
I will be keeping you and Isaac in my thoughts & prayers. Cyber hugs to you all.
Hi! I came across your blog from Sarah's and just wanted to share that my daughter, who will be 2 on Halloween, was born at 25 weeks gestation weighing 1 pound 12 ounces. She was in the NICU for 3 months and it was definitely a roller coaster, actually her first year was rough. But now she is perfectly healthy and you would never know she was a preemie. I never thought these days would come but they did before I knew it, so hang in there!! I am now pregnant with triplets and hopefully they stay in a lot longer!!
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