Everything comes gradually and at it's appointed hour. ---Ovid



Ahhh...finally back at the hospital. I'm glad to be able to go back and also exhausted at the very idea of going back every day.

Isaac is still essentially doing the same. He hasn't been doing as well with feeding as he was, so they had to stop his feeds again to give his belly a rest. Things are just really slow going down there and it seems he's not quite ready yet for such a constant schedule.

A new doctor is on for the next two weeks, Dr. Hagadorn. Both Jaska and I really like him--he is a little more chill in some regards than the other MDs which suits our personalities better. He still is vigilant about Isaac of course, but his approach is a little more in line with what we've been thinking.

I had a talk with him today and his opinion is that all of Isaac's issues are definitely caused by the CMV and that the best thing to do is just wait for the infection to take it's course. He wants to wait for a window of opportunity where Isaac is telling them he is ready for a change and jump on it. It was so nice to hear this because this is what I have been feeling all week. They kept pushing the vent changes and pushing his eating and every time he made it clear he's not ready yet. Sometimes even the smallest change would set him off. I totally see the necessity of him progressing, but it has to be when his body is ready. So we wait. Some more.

Dr. Hagadorn is calling every expert on CMV he can find to ask about the steroids option. He really doesn't want to give Isaac steroids and would rather wait for Isaac to be ready, rather than try to force him to be ready with steroids. Steroids definitely look like a last resort at this point.

I'm really growing tired of stable. Stable is good--it's really good. It's just not good enough anymore. I've been trying to "be still" and just be present in every day and not be concerned with what is or isn't coming-----but it's not working anymore. Time is slowing down and I've started to realize just how far away April is. It probably doesn't help that the twin preemies who have been right next to Isaac for the last 2 weeks are going home soon. I got to listen to the whole conversation about it today while I held Isaac. I looked down at Isaac's little face and thought, "Our time will come sweet one--it's just not yet."

What got me through today was thinking that Isaac will not be a 35 year old man on a ventilator. Or a 14 year old on a ventilator. Or a 3 year old on a ventilator. He will come off the ventilator someday and I just have to believe it and not think about when it will be. Someday we will laugh at how crazy it is that our 6' 17 year old used to be so unbelievably small.

Some days the only thing getting me through this is knowing that it will end.