"We'd never know how high we are till we are called to rise; and then, if we are true to plan, our statures touch the sky." Emily Dickinson

Happy Birthday Isaac! Isaac is one month old today. I can't believe it's already been a month, but then again, I feel like I have been going to the NICU for my entire life. It feels like one incredibly long day. He would be 28 weeks tomorrow, so that is where he still is developmentally.

Not much to report on Isaac. He's remaining pretty stable. He's really comfortable on these certain ventilator settings, and every time they try to wean him a little bit he totally freaks out. So he's back up a little to the same settings he's been on for a while. He'll get there.

The good news is our boy is a chunker! He broke the 2 lb. mark tonight. He weighed in at a whopping 2 lbs. 1 oz. He's been tolerating the breast milk just fine which is great. We're hoping that once he starts gaining more weight, his lungs will strengthen and improve and he'll have more strength to fight his CMV. He's still only getting 2 mls every 3 hours--which is like a teaspoon--but we have to start somewhere right? He'll continue to get that for 5 days and then they'll slowly increase it if he continues to do well.

He was super touchy today. If we even lifted the blanket off his isolette for more than a minute (there's a great thick blanket over it to block out noise and light) he would desat (his oxygen saturation levels would plummet). So we left him alone as much as possible. I did get to hold him for two hours though--he was doing so well, we didn't want to put him back in. He started to desat a lot toward the end though, so back he went. We both fell asleep while I was holding him. I couldn't help it (neither could he I imagine). Basically, whenever I am not vertical, I fall asleep. Actually, I fall asleep sometimes standing up as well. I find myself wondering sometimes if it is possible to actually die from sleep deprivation.

I wonder sometimes how much of Isaac's NICU experience will carry over into the rest of his life. I've heard stories of other babies screaming every time they smell rubbing alchohol for months or years afterward--things like that. I also wonder how much of his little personality right now is inherently Isaac and how much is a result of his prematurity. For example; his demanding nature--he is very particular and likes things just so. Is that because he's a 23 weeker and super sensitive or because he's inherently dramatic? (Afterall--he is partly Goguen :) We shall see I guess. Even if it is a result of his prematurity/NICU experience which is my guess, will that then shape his personality for life? Will my boy who would have been mellow, now be high strung b/c of this? I wonder about these things. I'm sure there's no way of knowing for sure. I need more sleep.