"If you add a little to a little, and then do it again, soon that little shall be much.-----Hesiod




Isaac was super alert today after I finished holding him (which is rare) so I took full advantage and got some pictures and video. He was totally looking around trying to find me, swatting the tube in his mouth and staring at the lights. It was so fun to see him so alert. He kept looking right at me which he doesn't do very often. It was nice to see more of his personality come out.

He has been doing pretty well the last couple of days. He's pulled a switcheroo on us and his lungs are doing great while his bowels now aren't. Based on his lastest x-rays, his intestines are just not handling digestion very well and so they've stopped his feeding again. They're confident it's from the CMV, and are hoping that as that improves, so will his bowels.

His lungs however are looking great. The x-ray today was the best in a long time and they are hopeful it will continue that way. No plans for any real weaning off the vent yet, but things are moving in the right direction for that to happen.

He's bit of a chunker now at 2.3 lbs--He's a bit bloated due to excess fluid, so not all of that weight is due to nutrition, still it's nice to see a little meat on them bones. :)


I've been having such a hard time trying to balance between Isaac and Jonah (and Jaska) the last couple of weeks. Jonah (our two year old) and I have always been close and he just doesn't understand. I know he feels betrayed and his little heart is in such turmoil. He misses his Mama and has a hard time expressing it--so he's all over the place emotionally and behaviorally. I spend some quality time with him in the morning and evening, but it's just not enough. He tells me all the time that he misses me, even when I'm right there. I feel like I'm always failing no matter what I do. I probably am--but what can be done?

My mom has been staying with us for 3 days each week to help out with Jonah and house stuff. It has been (and will continue to be) invaluable. I really thought that it would make it easier on Jonah to have that continuity and to have his Nanni (whom he adores) over to play. I know it's helping, but he gets so mad whenever she comes because he knows it means that I leave. It tears my heart out every day to have him so sad. He has a blast with his Nanni, but it's not the same--he just needs his Mama. My heart is broken no matter what I do. I constantly feel like I'm failing one of my kids (or my husband--although he's so great about trying to reassure me that I'm not).

Everyone tells me that Jonah is resilient and will bounce right back and while I know that he is resilient, I still really worry about what effect this will have on him long term and even short term. Knowing he's resilient doesn't help when he's clinging to my leg bawling when I try to leave to go see Isaac. I worry about what it will do to our relationship. Will he stop trusting in me? We've been such good buddies and I worry that our relationship will be permanently damaged. I love all of my boys so much and it is really killing me trying to find a balance that works at all.

We're holding it together though, and somehow manage to get through each day. All we can really do is try to make that day successful and if it isn't, try again tomorrow.

Isaac is holding steady which is fabulous, he's tolerating being held beautifully (we both take a little nap each afternoon when I hold him), and Jonah and I do still have fun every day. We have so very much to be grateful for.