(I love his contemplative looks)

"Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water. Be still and allow the mud to settle." Lao Tzu


I finally reappeared at the hospital today. When I peeked in at my boy, I was floored! He is positively chubby! At just shy of 3 lbs, he's actually starting to get some chub on his wee bones. He should hit the 3 lb. mark at his weigh in tonight. Shocking. I was starting to think he was going to stay so tiny. It freaks me out a little that he's actually getting bigger. I almost don't know what to do with him.

I couldn't hold in the tears as I looked at him this morning. I really hate crying in public, but I couldn't help it. I've missed him so much.

I'm the type of person who is really cool in a crisis--I can totally keep my head and just do what needs to be done. Afterwards however, once I know everything is okay, is when I totally fall apart. I was kind of in crisis mode this last week--trying to just get through it and do what needed to be done to get well again. Now that I am healthy and able to return to the hospital, I feel like sobbing all the time--with relief yes, and joy, but also with the sheer weight of everything. It doesn't hit me until after the fact most of the time how difficult things are.

I'm trying to brace myself for the emotional storm that I'm sure is coming once Isaac finally comes home.

Isaac is still doing awesome. I can't even think about what this week would have been like if he wasn't. He's still struggling with the vent and digestion, but is making progress with both. He is down to 20 breaths per minute on the vent, although his pressure settings are the same. He's digesting the formula they are giving him as well--just really slowly.

He had a blood transfusion today. He's had several, but today was the first time I saw how much blood was being put in. I was really surprised at how much it was. I don't know the amount, but it was a really big syringe.

I was getting nervous that he was going to forget me. Once I held him though, I knew he remembered his Mama. Ahhhhh...one of the best parts of my day.

It's amazing what I manage to take for granted. I'm sure if Isaac was born full term I would start to complain at some point about having to hold him all the time. Not so here--no way. Every minute I get to look at him or hold him is a blessed gift.