"Some say knowledge is power, but that is not true. Character is power." Sri Sathya Sai Baba


Our big news for the day? Isaac finally pooped! I'm sure this is fascinating to all of you :) but it's great news for Isaac. It's amazing what things you can get excited over. One of our favorite nurses, Rhonda, gave him another enema this afternoon and said he pooped a weeks worth afterward. Excellent.

We weren't able to be there today. Jaska and Jonah have had the flu and we didn't want to carry any germs into the NICU. It was so hard not to go today. My heart ached all day. It was super fun having a day to play with Jonah, but really tough to not be at the hospital. We couldn't take any chances though of passing anything along to such fragile babies.

The neonatologists do two week rotations at the hospital, so today was Dr. Matson's last day for a while. We talked to him on the phone about Isaac's condition. He is still very concerned about Isaac's lungs. He is not coming down on his vent settings and it could cause some real problems if he doesn't get off the ventilator soon. If things don't improve in that arena, they/we will have to make the very difficult choice as to whether or not to try a round of steroids.

Steroids are often used to help preemie's lungs (they are an anti-inflammitory drug and inflamation from the forced pressure from the vent is one of the biggest issues with preemies lungs). Steroids are often very successful in helping these babies make dramatic progress with the ventilator. Unfortunately, they also supress the immune system. Since that is already a huge issue with Isaac being on the Ganciclovir, it's a really tough choice. Dr. Matson said he'd only consider it if there is no other choice, and a lot of it depends on how Isaac responds (or doesn't) to the Ganciclovir. So they are going to give it a week or so, and see where everything stands. I'm really hoping that things will improve naturally as he gains more weight.

They've been watching his white count, and while it's still well within normal range, it has been dropping. It was extremely elevated however due to his body building up a response to the CMV. The day or two before giving the Ganciclovir, it was at 44,000. The first CBC after the treatment showed a count of 25,000. The last one was 9,000. Normal range is 4-10,000. So they are not sure if his count is dropping due to his natural response to the infection, or if the Ganciclovir is playing a part. They said they will become concerned and stop the treatment if it drops to 1,000 or 500. So more fabulous waiting.

They performed a test a while ago on my placenta to see whether or not they could determine if the infection that was present was in fact CMV. The results came back and confirmed what we already knew--it was. It's crazy that I happenend to be that 1-4% who gets it for the first time while I'm pregnant. I'm still a bit shaken by that.

Like everyone else, Dr. Matson tried to make it very clear that this is in no way my fault. Intellectually, I can see that. I can look at the data and realize that it's really just bad luck. But emotionally, I can't help but feel responsible. It was my body that was supposed to protect him and help him grow. And because it couldn't do that, he is suffering so much.

I don't feel guilty so much as let down. Let down by my body. I try to take care of myself, I eat well, excercise, etc. Jonah and I walked everywhere during my whole first trimester for goodness sake! But both times I've been pregnant, I've been the sickest I've ever been. This time it was bronchitis and it was really bad. I couldn't get rid of it. It makes me so mad to know that I tried my best to take care of myself and my body still shut down like that.

It does no good, but sometimes I can't help but think--"Where did I get it?" Which trip to Target? Which door did I touch? Which playground did we visit? It's maddening knowing if I had just stayed home that day....but it does no good and I don't let my thoughts stray there often. It's not really my personality to obsess over things, so I'm sure I'll get past this--it's just maddening.