The following is written by Erma Bombeck and adapted from Motherhood The Second Oldest Profession.

The Special Mother

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit. This year thousands of mothers will give birth to a premature baby. Did you ever wonder how mothers of preemies are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

“Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron saint, Matthew.
“Forest, Majorie, daughter. Patron saint, Ceceila.
“Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron saint... give her Gerard. He’s used to profanity.

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and smiles, “Give her a premature baby.”
The angel is curious. “Why this one, God? She’s so happy.”

“Exactly, “ smiles God. “Could I give a premature baby a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel.”

“But does she have patience?” asks the angel.
“I don’t want her to have too much patience, or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she’ll handle it.

“I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence that are so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I’m going to give her has his own world. She has to make it live in her world and that’s not going to be easy.”

“But, Lord, I don’t think she even believes in you.”
God smiles, “No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness.”

The angel gasps, “Selfishness? Is that a virtue?”
God nods. “If she can’t separate herself from the child occasionally, she’ll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child who comes in a less than perfect way. She doesn’t realize it yet, but she is to be envied.

“She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says ‘Mommy’ for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it.

“I will permit her to see clearly the things I see - ignorance, cruelty, prejudice - and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side.”

“And what about her patron saint?” asks the angel, the pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles. “A mirror will suffice.”

-Adapted from
Erma Bombeck
Motherhood The Second Oldest Profession

I totally bawled today when I read this. It hit too close to home--(except the saint part at the end--I am anything but).

I have felt so unbelievably inadequate for this task. I believe motherhood can bring out the best version of ourselves, but unfortunately it brings out the worst as well (a side with which I m more acquainted than I would like). I know that this experience is meant to bring out that best side of me (whether or not it has or will is still being determined).

If during this experience I can maintain my sense of humor, if I can stay patient with Jonah (and Jaska, and myself), if I can totally submit to God's will for me and my family, if I can be consistantly grateful for all that I have, if my compassion for other's sorrow increases, if I can feel joy despite my pain...then I can do anything.

I'm surprised at how empowering this experience has been. I feel such a sense of ability. I feel like after this there is nothing I cannot do. I feel the same for our whole family, especially Isaac. (Poor Isaac is going to get little pity from me if he ever tries to tell me he can't do something. Please.)

I have felt God's hand guiding me so often during the last four months. I know there is something/someone he wants me to be and I am trying very hard to accomplish it. Most days I fall flat on my face--but I'm sure He's used to that. :)

The oft quoted C.S. Lewis says it better than I:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace." --C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I certainly don't feel like a palace, but I will never again be the same person I was. There are moments or experiences in life that can and do forever shape us. When my water broke on Christmas Day, I really felt like I approached a crossroads. In my mind there were only two options available. Sink. Or Swim. I/we chose to "swim" and haven't stopped since. There is no doubt that this has been quite difficult--but I have not been left alone for a single minute--our family has not been left alone for a single minute. I feel God's hand in this always. I feel his teaching and guiding me always.

An experience such as this breaks you to be sure--at least it broke me. But I have had to make the choice whether to stay broken or allow myself to be rebuilt. It is agonizing, but with God's help, I am finally beginning to believe that maybe I can become this person He thinks I can be. The jury is still out. :)