December 25, 2006

I was resting in the early afternoon after a wonderful Christmas morning. I felt a trickle of fluid that felt a little strange. I stood up to go to the bathroom and felt a gush. Immediately my heart sank to the floor. We grabbed the doctor's number, jumped in the car (I don't think Jonah even had shoes on) and were off to the hospital. Our friends the Vargas's live just around the corner, so we dropped Jonah off on the way. Jaska literally threw Jonah into Joelle's arms. It wasn't until later that evening that I realized I hadn't even said goodbye to him.

By the time we arrived at the emergency room there was no doubt that my water had ruptured. We weren't even sure how far along we were. I thought 23-24 weeks, but when the doctor came to examine me, he told us I was in fact only 22 weeks along.

We were reeling, not even sure what it all meant. I knew for sure that breaking your water is NOT good this early--but beyond that we knew nothing. We were first seen by a resident and a nurse and their repeated refrains of "I'm so sorry" told us volumes. They kept telling us that the baby wasn't viable at 22 weeks and that they could do nothing to stop labor.

We were in shock, devastated, sobbing and the most vulnerable we have ever been in our entire lives. We said a prayer together and both strongly felt that we needed to pray for God's will to be done. So we did--and felt that things were truly in God's hands. We faced the immense likelihood that our child would die. We made peace with that likelihood and accepted God's will for us and our family. We felt so strongly the necessity of this--that we needed to turn it over to God. So in many ways, we let go. But we didn't let go of hope.

A specialist came in later and spoke with us. He believed that there was a chance for our baby. Not a great chance, but a chance nonetheless. This is what he told us:

When pregnant women rupture their membranes early, it is usually due to an infection or an incompitent cervix. Most women deliver within 48 hours, some last longer, and some last a LOT longer. Due to the likelihood of infection as the cause, and the increased risk of further infection due to the ruptured membranes, they do not stop labor if it starts. The risk of serious infection to the mother is too great.

He explained that there was a chance that my body would delay going into labor. He also explained that at 22 weeks, the baby wasn't viable and so if he was delivered, they wouldn't resuccitate due to his inability to survive.

A doctor from the NICU came and explained to us that at 22 weeks they could and would do nothing to save our child. At 23 weeks, the baby would be on the very edge of viability and while the risks of death or serious disability are extremely high, they would try to save our child if we wished it. He cautioned us however, that to pursue this course is often futile. At 24-25 weeks and beyond, the chance for survival is high enough that they pursue it regardless.

They set me up in a room on the women's health floor and told me that whether it was that day, or 10 weeks later, I would be there until the baby came.