"The strongest oak tree of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It's the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun. "
Napoleon Hill

Isaac was more stable today. Again, the up and down. It's been just about every other day all week. A bad day and then a stable day. He's still struggling with his infection and they are becoming more concerned with his belly (the x-rays don't look good and he still hasn't really pooped). They've been treating his pneumonia, but his bloodwork is still showing an infection so they suspect there is infection somewhere else as well. They just don't know where.

We went to church this morning. It was a little weird to do something so normal. It was really difficult to sit there in church and see everyone with their kids. I didn't expect that. I felt such a sense off loss at not having Isaac with us. Usually after you have a baby, you rejoin society at some point and everyone oohs and ahhs over your sweet little baby. It was so bizarre to come to church and know that I have a sweet little baby, but no one can see him and we can't be with him. Sometimes I feel like I'm pretending. Like Isaac doesn't even exist--It's so surreal at times.

Before all this, I often wondered how it would feel to have two children--baffled at the idea that I could possibly love another child as much as Jonah. It's amazing how immediately your heart makes room for another person. How amazing that my heart could stretch so big for a person so very small. We feel empty and incomplete without him. We're happiest when we bring Jonah to the hospital so we can feel like a whole family.

Today was particluarly tough. I wanted so badly to be able to bring Isaac home--mostly to hold him. To validate that he is in fact ours and that I am indeed a mother of two little boys. I think one of the nurses sensed my turmoil and asked me if I wanted a "pick me up" while I was sitting there essentially mesmorized with Isaac's every move. I'm sure I looked like a crazy person with my face up against his isolette. (Or like a mom with a baby in the NICU :)

She said that they were planning on taking him out of his isolette to weigh him, and since I was there, did I want to hold him? I'm sorry did you say hold him? I almost leapt out of my skin.

It was only for a moment, and he still had his breathing tube attached, but tonight I was able to hold my son for the first time. I held my son. I don't think I have ever needed anything so badly in my life as I needed to hold Isaac today and be his Mama--if even for a brief ten seconds. Very little will ever come close to matching those precious ten seconds for me. Oh the sweet, slow vibrant moments of life. I happened to forget my camera (D'oh!) but there is no conceivable way I will ever forget that moment.

"The LORD is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works." Psalms 145:9

I have experienced many tender mercies from the Lord in my life--but none so sweet and so needed as this. I needed, and He provided. I know He won't take away this trial, but He can make it bearable. Today He did.