"Never, never, never give up." Winston Churchill

The tests they ran on Isaac take a while to come back. We still won't have the results for most of them for another week or so. They did get a preliminary result back from his lumbar puncture (spinal tap) though, which revealed an infection. They can't determine until the test is completed whether or not it is CMV, but given all the other evidence, the doctors are thinking it's pretty likely.

The results of his spinal tap show an infection in the central nervous system. This is what the doctors feared most and are quite concerned about it. Dr. Matson, one of the neonatologists explained it this way--50-75% of babies born as young as Isaac have neurological damage. 50-75% of babies with congenital symptomatic CMV have neurological damage. Not great odds to say the least. Add to that an infection in his nervous system and you're crushing what little chance is left to escape neurological damage. They are very concerned.

Dr. Matson and Dr. Krause sat down with me yesterday and told me about the test results and recommended we begin treatment using the drug Ganciclovir. We talked about it at length and went over all the details of the pros and cons of using or not using this drug for Isaac.

I was focusing hard on everything they told me--but I couldn't help but think to myself how crazy it was I was having such a conversation at all. I was stuck between feeling in every part of my body how real it all was, and at the same time, how surreal. Jaska was home with Jonah which made it even stranger for me to be having such a conversation alone.

I've realized through this process just how much of medicine can truly be an art instead of just science. Some decisions, like this one are incredibly tough--even for the experts. Both Dr. Krause and Dr. Matson admitted that sometimes in medicine there is a gray area, where they are not really sure what the best decision is and that this is one of those times. I know that it isn't possible to always know for sure what is best, but it hit me while they were telling me this, that God knows. It isn't necessary to guess, and hope that we choose what will be the best for Isaac. We can ask God and trust that He will guide us. Not all would agree with us on this :) but it's happened too many times in our lives to leave any room for us to doubt.

So Jaska and I said a prayer--him at home and me at the hospital. We felt okay with going ahead with the treatment and so they started him on it last night. As soon as the decision was made, I felt a weight lifted and stopped worrying about it. My heart felt light and I again felt that Isaac is going to be just fine. Oh how grateful I am for the comfort God provides to His children. Without it, I think I would have lost my mind by now.

The biggest risk with the Ganciclovir is that it can lower the white blood cell count and make Isaac so much more succeptable to other infection. They are going to keep a close eye on his count though and if it starts to drop, they will take him off the drug. If his count stays up, he will need to be on the drug for 42 days.

I wish this enduring to the end stuff didn't have so much enduring involved. They say patience is a virtue; I think it stinks.