December 26, 2007

We pulled ourselves together today and said many prayers. Every hour that went by was a delay until I went into labor. We need to make it 4 more days in order to get to the 23 week mark so our baby will at least have a chance.

I'm facing the possibility of being in this hospital bed for a really long time. I'm totally okay with that if it means our baby will be okay--but I am at a loss as to how I will do it without losing my mind. Every time I move I'm terrified that more fluid will leak out. If it were possible, I would lay on my back with my feet in the air to try to keep it in there.

We are trying to figure out what in the world to do with Jonah and how he will possibly understand what is going on. Our friends, family and ward have been more than amazing. It has been really moving to see people rally around us. We have felt so much love and support.

A specialist came in and did an ultrasound tonight. My fluid levels around the baby are extremely low. He explained that even if the baby stayed in there, without fluid, his lungs would not develop and he will not survive.

He said that fluid can replenish itself, and it was a waiting game as to whether the amount would increase. Meanwhile, I continue to leak more fluid and have been pretty much frantic. I was trying desperately to relax and calm myself so I didn't stress myself into labor. Jaska gave me a couple of beautiful, calming blessings and I was finally able to relax. I realized that I've been basing whether or not I am stressed on fluid levels and doctors estimations--instead of my faith that God can do all things--despite the odds--despite my leaking--despite the doctors estimations.

I have come to terms with the fact that I may lose my baby. What I have not come to terms with is the fact that he is still alive and moving and that labor will mark the moment of his death. To know that one minute he would be alive and fine and the next he would be dead and that by going into labor, it would be killing my son--is too much for me to handle.

We have felt the calm assurance today of the spirit that things will be okay. We are clinging to any hope we have that all will be well. We are praying for the strength to meet this challenge with grace and with faith. God's presence and guidance are continually with us.