January 3, 2007

"Everything that is done in the world is done by hope."
Martin Luther King Jr.

We've spent some time with our little boy--together and independently. It is a miracle just to look at him. I want so badly just to hold him. As of now, the doctors say he is stable. They have many, many concerns of course--but it's now just a matter of seeing how he does and how he responds to the outside world.

It's nice to just sit by him--there isn't anything else I can do really. I can't touch him, can't hold him or care for him--I can just look at him. Upon coming back to my room last night, I just felt so overwhelmed and sad. I still have faith and confidence that he will be okay--but even with that peace, this is incredibly tough.

While I was on bedrest, I was thinking that once he is born, I'll spend a couple of hours with him in the morning and then the rest of the day with Jonah. I want to give Jonah a sense of normalcy and stability as much as possible, while still seeing the baby. Now that I am facing that option, it seems ridiculous. How can two hours be enough? All day is not enough--but Jonah needs us badly. He is all over the place right now and I can tell he really needs the stability of having us around. I don't know how we are going to do this.

I'm being discharged today and I am quite emotional about it. I want to go home so badly, but I am heartstricken at the idea of leaving our baby in the hospital. I broke down in the NICU and the doctor came over to reassure me.

I want so badly to be able to care for him and instead I am forced to the spectator role. All these nurses and doctors care for my baby all day and I have to go home. It's ripping my guts out.

He continues to be stable for the most part. He has had several setbacks in the last couple days, but none of them very serious. The nurses are constantly adjusting different things, trying to keep him stable. If something is too high or too low, they have to do something to counteract it--more/less medication, a blood transfusion, adjusting his tubes and IV's. The adjusting has been pretty steady, but they always manage to get him to stabilize.