So small, but already full of such opinions :)

"Walk in cheerful uncertainty." Neal Maxwell

The above quote has kind of turned in to our family mantra during the last couple of years. It has become even more so now. It's not an easy thing to do, but being able to be cheerful (at least at times) through trials and the unknown, means letting go and trusting that it will be okay. It doesn't mean that we aren't doing things to try and make it okay, but there is an enormous weight lifted when you don't worry about it anymore.

Our little guy has had a rough couple of days. His PDA valve didn't close and is continuing to cause further problems with his ventilation and oxygen levels. They are anxious to operate and are waiting for word from the surgeon. We are waiting for the call that they are ready to proceed and then we'll be heading back to the hospital.

It's a common enough procedure we've been told, but they still have to cut him open to access the valve. We thought that they would be able to make a small incision and go in with an endoscope, but alas, our little guy is just too small for that.

The surgeon and his team come to the NICU where they have a mini OR and perform the "procedure" there. They keep calling it a procedure--but it's surgery. They make an incision under his arm and find the valve near his heart and clamp it closed. The clamp will stay there for the rest of his life. (I'm sure he'll find some way to use that to impress girls later on :)

The benefits far outweigh the risks, and despite the fact that just about every baby who goes through this does just fine, I am beside myself with anxiety.

It is bad enough that he's hooked up to wires and tubes and machines and we can't really hold him. As it is, I just want to whisk him away and hold him and protect him from all of this--then to tell me that they are going to perform surgery on my baby? Are you kidding? If there was ever a time in my life when the Mom in me totally takes over--it is now. I long to take his place.

He's shown what a fighter he is though and we know he can handle it. Adversity truly makes us stronger and he needs some struggles to overcome just like we do. It sure hurts to watch though. I'm not sure which is harder---to watch him struggle and not be able to stop it, or to watch him struggle and know that even if I could stop it--I shouldn't--that it's for his good. I'm beginning to get a taste of how Heavenly Father feels about us and our struggles. Wow. I wouldn't want His job for anything in this world! :)

We'll keep you posted on how the "procedure" goes.