"Who so loves believes the impossible." Elizabeth Barrett Browning

We had a "family meeting" today with Dr. Matson. He went over Isaac's condition in more detail and answered all our questions about CMV and other issues.

The biggest issue of course is the CMV. They got more test results back today. The spinal fluid, and the mucus in his lungs came back positive for CMV. It seems that it is affecting just about everything in his body.

Dr. Matson, while very kind, made it very clear that Isaac has very little chance of coming through this unscathed. He wanted to make sure we understood just how likely it is that Isaac will have serious neurological damage.

So now we wait---some more. Since all but the most serious damage doesn't show up for up to two years, we won't have any real indication that Isaac is out of the woods for quite some time. It is possible that the Ganciclovir will help turn his infection around, but even then , there is not going to be any real indication that it is has worked (or not) for quite some time either.

Isaac is at a real crossroads right now. If the treatment helps and/or if his body is able to adequately fight the infection, he will hopefully improve and be able to move forward. Otherwise, he will continue to deteriorate and his lungs will no longer be able to be supported by the ventilator. I didn't realize his lung situation was so serious until our meeting today.

Despite my hope and faith that Isaac will be okay, and despite the fact that I am okay with the possibility of Isaac having a disability, my world came crashing in today. I have been pretty strong all week, pretty positive, but today--even before our meeting, I just couldn't do it. It was just too much. After our discussion with the doctor, I just couldn't take any more. For the first time, I wanted to get out of there so bad--to just go do something else--anything else--something normal that would let me forget for a minute about the reality and magnitude of this.

I had been asking today about holding Isaac and doing some skin to skin care and right when I was about to flee is when they decided that I could do it. At first I didn't think I could handle it--I just couldn't deal with any more today emotionally--I desperately wanted to "check out". But, I also didn't want to pass up a chance to hold my boy. So of course I stayed.

I was able to sit with him cuddled into my shoulder for about an hour. It was really nice to be able to hold him. I would love to be able to say that it was this incredible moment that healed my heart and made me feel so much better after such a draining day--but sadly it didn't. I think it actually made me more sad in a way. I loved being able to hold him and I'm so glad I stayed, but I was just too empty today to enjoy it in the way I know I normally would. That really frustrated me.

I'm trying to stay emotionally strong through this by accepting and validating my feelings as they come--letting myself feel it fully for a little bit, and then moving on. So when I feel sad, I'll acknowledge it, bawl for a little while, and then keep going. When I'm angry, I'll rage for an hour and then get over it, etc. It's helped a lot and kept me from bottling things up. Tonight it was really hard to accept the fact that I was just empty and so so sad. I wanted so much to not be--I just couldn't help it.

Fortunately, it will pass and I will have many opportunities to hold Isaac when I am not feeling this way.

Jaska and I have felt from the beginning that there is no benefit in adopting a "Why Me?" attitude about this experience. We are willing to accept God's will for us--even when it is bone-crushingly hard. If it's what God wants for us--it's what we want. I think the biggest reason why I had such a hard time today is that as Dr. Matson was piling all this information on us, I realized with a force that while I can accept this for me, I do not want to accept this for Isaac. I do not want this for him. I'm trying to reconcile that with whether or not it's what God wants for him. It's very hard. Usually when I look at Isaac, I can't help but notice his strength. Today, I couldn't help but notice his fragility. I want to want this for him if it is for his good--if it is God's will--but today I just couldn't.